Dog Translator

There are some devices that claim to share with you what, exactly, your dog is thinking, but ultimately these things are bogus. So bogus! I know this because I once tried one out on my dog and, at first, I was tempted to believe its claim that my dog loved me. But then I put the device on my own shirt collar, and the device loudly shared with the room that I wanted to bury a bone in the backyard. Since I am not a serial killer (and if I were, everyone knows burying them in the backyard is for amateurs) I called hokum on this. Give me a real dog translator! It would probably get old fast (you know that your dog would mainly just be like "HI. HI. HEY. HEY. SCOOT OVER. POOP NOW?"), but still!